2013-06-25
Source: http://news.hkheadline.com/dailynews/headline_news_detail_columnist.asp?id=243359§ion_name=wtt&kw=126
Tiny flying insects have infested my apartment （flat in British English）. When a place is infested with insects, it means it is full of insects. The insects that have infested my flat are not mosquitoes. I don't know what they are. They like to be in damp （slightly wet） areas. And they multiply （increase in numbers） very quickly. They are inside a kitchen cupboard where the water pipes are located. Every morning I find dozens of these insects inside the cupboard. During the night some manage to fly out. They like to go to the kitchen tap area. Every morning I use a paper towel to clean the cupboard. I then spray the cupboard with insecticide （the chemical that kills insects）. But the next morning the insects are back again. The insecticide is useless against them.
L
ast week I bought a special type of insecticide. It is called a fumigator. The chemical is inside a tin. When you put the bottom of the tin in some water, it sends out smoke that kills insects. I put this inside my kitchen cupboard. But that didn't do the trick either. The expression "didn't do the trick" means it didn't work. How can these insects multiply so quickly? They must be horny insects. The slang word horny means eager for sex. Every night all these insects are having sex inside my kitchen cupboard and producing dozens of babies. And every morning I have to kill them with insecticide.
I wish I could speak insect language. I would advise these horny insects to use condoms. The condoms would have to be very small since these insects are tiny. The tiny condoms may do the trick （work）. If they do the trick, I wouldn't have to kill dozens of baby insects every morning. But I don't think anything will do the trick. The insects in my kitchen cupboard are too horny. I have decided to put a white flag inside the cupboard to tell them I surrender. They have won. I'll be moving to another apartment this week.
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我所住的單位（apartment，英式英語為flat）有大批會飛的昆蟲出沒（infested）。當一個地方is infested with insects，即是說那裏有很多昆蟲聚集。那大批出沒（infested）在我單位內的卻不是蚊子，而是我不認識的昆蟲。牠們喜歡潮濕（damp）的地方，而且繁殖（multiply）得很快。牠們寄生於廚櫃裏，正是水管所在之處。每個早上我都在廚櫃裏找到許多這樣的小蟲，到了晚上有部份更飛了出來。牠們喜歡去廚房的水龍頭位置。每個早上我都得用紙巾清潔廚櫃，再用殺蟲劑（insecticide）噴射。但到了翌日早上，那些昆蟲又在那裏。殺蟲劑（insecticide）對牠們來說毫不見效。
上星期，我買了一種煙霧式（fumigator）的特別殺蟲劑（insecticide）。化學劑在一個罐內，當你向罐底注水，它就會冒煙殺滅昆蟲。我將它放進廚櫃內，但仍然不奏效（didn't do the trick）。習語didn't do the trick即是行不通。這些昆蟲怎麼可能繁殖（multiply）得這麼快？牠們一定是很好色（horny）的昆蟲了。俚語horny即是很好色。每一晚這些昆蟲都在我的廚櫃內性交，繁殖出許多幼蟲，然後每個早上我都要用殺蟲劑（insecticide）殲滅牠們。
我希望我能夠說昆蟲語，那麼我就能建議這些好色（horny）的昆蟲用安全套。由於蟲子都很細小，這些安全套也非得微型不可。相信這些微型安全套會行得通（do the trick）。要是它們奏效（do the trick），我就不用每朝早殺滅這麼多的幼蟲。但我不認為有任何行得通（do the trick）的方法，我廚櫃內的昆蟲太「鹹濕」（horny）了。我決定在廚櫃內舉支白旗，正式向牠們投降。牠們勝利了。我這個星期便會搬到另一個單位（apartment）居住。
mickchug@gmail.com
中譯:七刻
Michael Chugani 褚簡寧